Indian Joint Family Concepts

Joint Family is the Best Way to live

 

In countries like Pakistan and India, with increase in population and resources like land and space becoming scarce, the families and individuals are leading a life filled with stress and worry. On the other hand the situation in developed countries is similar for different reason. In developed countries like USA and Australia. the individuals are stressed out for different reasons. Some of the major problems that people living in developed countries face are – job insecurity due to unstable economy, difficulty in raising children while pursuing career ambitions, young adults having difficulty starting out on their own. Therefore whether living in developing countries or in developed part of the world, the model of ‘joint family’ has potential benefits that can lead to secure, healthy, stress free and affluent individuals.

I also believe that having experimented with ‘nuclear families’ and having experienced its drawbacks, we are capable of developing a model that draws on the benefits of ‘nuclear family’ and ‘joint family’. We might even be forced to do so when resources become more and more scarce with passage of time. We will certainly do it when our survival is at stake.

Joint family system vs. Single family system

Today, as a person from the generation that broke out of the system in the hope of immense freedom, I look behind and ask myself ‘what has my generation really and truly gained from the quest for freedom and what has it lost.

one and only major gain that I see from the ‘nuclear family’ system is the opportunity it provides us to create an identity of our own – something we as human beings crave for and are born for. On the loss side there are several –

Being physically far removed from the family members and as a result inadvertently getting disconnected from their hearts and minds,

stresses in bringing up our children only relying on child care centers. In Indian cities and towns, it can be even more difficult where there are not enough facilities available for care of children.

coping with all problems – big and small on our own as we are unable to afford the privilege of sharing and downloading worries on someone (other than spouse) whom we feel close and connected to. This has led to increase in several problems in the society like depression, suicides and heart disorders due to highly stressed lives.

missing out on celebrations and festivities that binds us to our culture and gives us a sense of being at home. This is more relevant to those living out of the country.

having difficulty in passing on the cultural values to our children. Cultural values are learnt and taught by seeing them in action.

facing great difficulty in even passing on our own language to the next generation

Here are some things that can be done differently from the old system to make the ‘joint family system’ a success

1. One of the major reasons why my generation was desperate to break out of the joint family was the attitude of the older generation to impose their views and thoughts on us. In some families the father’s word would be the final word and nobody could dare say or do anything against it. Such an autocratic style of leading a family leads to repression and suppression giving rise to feelings of discontentment and unhappiness.If the joint family system is laid on the founding stone of mutual and genuine love and respect for each and every member (including children) then the system is guaranteed to be a success. It helps to keep in mind that love, respect and affection are things that can be only commanded and not demanded. We command these precious things by GIVING them first. For example – you cannot expect your son or your daughter to have respect for your advice and suggestions if you cannot demonstrate understanding, love and respect to them through your actions and words and by being sensitive to their individual aspirations and ways of thinking.
Family members need to communicate openly and honestly with one another. The elders in the family must encourage and create an environment conducive to open communication. In the absence of such an environment, family members can feel repressed and suppressed that can lead to discontentment. Non-judgmental listening and demonstrating mutual trust are necessary to help family members open up to one another.


One of the things that disintegrated the old joint family system was the constant interference and meddling by elders in the matters of youngsters. Learning from the past mistake, another important aspect of communication is knowing when NOT to communicate. In other words, it is important to give one another space and respect the boundaries of each other. Living under one roof does not have to be about transgressing the personal space of the members. Personal space is more mental than physical. If a joint family system has to succeed, recognizing and respecting this space is crucial.
 
It is important that members in a joint family system feel accepted for who they are and as they are. The crucial part of acceptance of one another is acceptance of our own weaknesses and limitations and that of others. By doing this, expectations of members of one another become more realistic. Realistic expectations help us to be more tolerant of weaknesses of one another. Having unrealistic expectations of others is often the root cause of disappointments and discontentment with others.


When more than one family live together, it brings together members of different strengths. One of the great advantages of this (when compared to a nuclear family) is that different strengths of different members can be potentially enriching to the family and in turn provide a sense of fulfillment to the members. For a joint family system to be a place where the members feel valued and nurtured, acknowledgement of the strengths and different positive aspects that each member brings to the family and being grateful for the same is useful and even necessary.